Your Weekly Horoscopes

by **WhiteWaterWood** May 29th 2011, 2:36 am

I decided to start writing horoscopes. I may or may not continue. Probably shouldn't. XD

Week of May 31st

Gemini: Congrats! You have a twin! And evil twin! Well, even though your credit rating is shot and the cops are after you for a crime you never committed, a least there will be one more smug smiling face at your family reunion!
Cancer: In addition to your sign being cancer, you also have it! Make sure to keep a positive attitude the next week. Not that it will matter. All that's left for you now is to die a slow death, no doubt karma for that thing you did that you thought no one would ever find out about.
Aries: Your future is in the stars. However, we won't tell you what that future is. Watching you stumble around making a fool of yourself is way more satisfying.
Capricorn: You disgust me. Seek help. They way you're going, you'd do the world a favor by disappearing into the bottom of the ocean. Then the mermaids will punt you back out because not even they want your perverted mind.
Virgo: Your stocks are on the rise! Buy! Sell! Buy! Sell! Buy! Sell! Oh god you lost it all!
Libra: You're not even worth the effort to write down your horoscope. You're just a faceless lump of flesh with the same future as everyone and no hope for change. Your cubicle welcomes you into the future, meat slave.
Taurus: Your marriage is totally over and she's cheating on you. On the upside, I just saved money on car insurance with Geico!
Leo: You don't know who the father was? Not even we could have predicted how slutty you would have turned out. The stars can predict many things, but a threesome with a beaver and John Wayne is not one of them.
Scorpio: You are neither interesting and witty and need to find someone who can awaken you to this fact. Try listening to some good music for once instead of your whiny emo bands. Oh, and cut your bangs. REALLY.
Sagittarius: You will find true love soon. You will live many happy and fulfilling years together until you figur out you were switched at birth and now have 4 kids with your brother.
Aquarius: Your boss is banging your wife, but luckily they both have different STDs. So in a way, they got what is coming to them. Remember to keep this in mind while weeping silently in the arms of your gay lover, Fredrico.
Pisces: You are so screwed.