What do you think of mah fanfic so far?

by **Sheba** January 24th 2010, 10:17 pm

Havent writtten one in about a month (or two D:) Told from the point of view of My OC Abby

FFFFFFFFFF THE CONCEPT IS STUPID. BUT I LIKE CAKE
And the change actually makes them *spoiler* and then *spoiler* falls in love with *spoiler* and hazz Mario's babiez XD JK Lol

A GS is a Game System, simalar to the DS. :3 copyright infrindgement avoided, beoytch.

I walked into my room, tossing my GS on the floor. Well, the room was actually mine and Yo’s. Ever since he Changed us, we’ve lived in another town, and another home. A bigger one actually. I didn’t understand the whole concept of this thing, but I was the newest edition to the group. Our room had pink wallpaper (Yo’s choice….ick.), a TV, a few huge bookshelves with what seemed to be every book in the world, and a couch. Oh, and our beds too.

“Hey Abs!” Yo called. “Hm?” I looked up. “Are you feelin alright, you’ve looked kinda down the past few days, somthin bothering you?” she asked. Yo had black hair with pink highlights, and there was a black bandadge over her right eye and around her neck. Her dress was red black and white, with huge checkers on it. It sounds ugly, but in reality, it’s actually kind of cute. Yo had brown eyes, which reminded me of chocolate.

“Nah,” I said, “Freddie need me again?” Yo shook her head, “Nope. But dinner’ll be ready soon, so get changed! After dinner Scampers and I are heading over to the outlet mall, wanna come?” I looked up at her. Yo’s smile was a complete fake, it was filled with sorrow of some sort. “Sure!” I smiled the same smile.

Scampers was- as Yo put it- Yo’s boyfriend. She said he used to be her Yamagootchii digital pet before they both Changed. Scampers was a cat man. He prefers the term Neko though. His ears are a pinkish color, and the inside of the ears are a deep greenish blue color. He had blonde hair, and bright, blue eyes.

I didn’t actually believe the Yamagootchii story, how is that even possible? I stood up and walked towards the door. “I’m headin’ downstairs.” I said, stating the obvious. That was a habit that ran in my-old-family. Come to think of it, they haven’t bothered calling me, or writing me a letter. Did Freddie give them the address? Or is this like a nice-but-kill-later kind of kidnapping? I shook the thought out my head. Freddie told me I said I was running away from home before I Changed. What happened was really blurry in my mind right now, so I’m pretty much forced to believe him.

The dining room was pretty much a normal family dining room, but a lot bigger. And fancier. Okay, maybe it wasn’t normal, but I have to keep telling myself that. “Hey Abbie!” Freddie waved as he pulled out a chair for me. I sat in it. “H-hey.” I stuttered, “Freddie, will my parents call at all? I miss them.” Freddie seemed to grimace as I mentioned the words ‘miss’, and ‘them’. “They shouldn’t know where you are, in a couple weeks I’ll let you visit, okay?” He smiled. He smiled the Liar Smile. “Stop that.” I muttered as I poked at my mashed potatoes.

“So, Mas-Freddie, whens the next job?” A red haired kid said. He had-creepy- yellow eyes and buck teeth with braces. Freddie put on a sly smile. “Heh, this’ll be Abs sec-first ‘job’, so perhaps it shall be…..next week?” he said. I looked around the table, everybody flashed the same smile. “W-what job?” I asked. “Well Abby, you’ll have to find out yourself.” Chum Chum, Freddies’ brother, said. His real name was Charlie, but he doesn’t like it. “I’m planning on it, shortie.” I rustled his hair. The child rolled his eyes.

by **WhiteWaterWood** January 25th 2010, 11:31 am

Keep in mind, I'm as nitpicky in writing as I am with sims stuff. And I tend to be blunt. What kind of criticism are you looking for? And what fan fiction is this for? What anime/book?